[00:00:00] Hello and welcome back to the podcast. My name is Mandy and I’m Hehe. I think I say this every time, but I’m really excited for today. I’m so excited to share with you. Our guest today is going to share about her trauma bandaids. If anyone is listening that has trauma wants to know what that is. I think trauma bandaids is such an exciting, an exciting idea, but even more so she’s gonna share some stories that led to her building these trauma, bandaids, how they quit on her and even additional tools that she’s added to her toolkit to help her continue at the bedside as a nurse.

[00:00:44] And we do always recommend that if you’re not in a space to listen to these particular stories, please pause the podcast, go listen to another episode. We have a few out there that are on different topics, but prioritize yourself and your mental health. We’ve also talked with our guests today and she is not going to be anonymous as most of our guests are.

[00:01:07] We always share with you that anonymity is a high priority for us, but the stories that she shares are going to keep her patients and the people in the stories, very anonymous and parts and details have been changed to protect the folks in the story. So our guest today is Amy. Hello, Amy. Hi, welcome to the pulse check podcast.

[00:01:29] We’re so glad you’re here. I cannot wait to hear about these trauma bandaids and about your story today. 

[00:01:34] Yeah, it’s really exciting. It’s mostly frightening to share these stories that have brought me so much grief and so much questioning myself and my ability to be a nurse and to stay at the bedside.

[00:01:51] Oh, well, we really value your time and your story, and I’m really curious. The listeners listening today, how much they can relate to you and are grateful for you sharing your experiences. So thank you. 

[00:02:05] All right. So my, I am an OB nurse. I say OB, because in my unit I do all of it. We do triage. We do labor.

[00:02:15] We do antipartum. We do postpartum. We do well, newborn. We do we have a level one nursery, so it’s anything above 24 hours of oxygen or a little bit of antibiotics we transport out. So that’s why I call it OB. So my first maternal death in OB was completely horrifying. It was awful. I was the OB nurse in ICU, trying to manage the uterus while the ICU folks managed the rest of the patient.

[00:02:48] I went straight from nursing school to OB. So the sites and sounds of ICU are not normal. They are, there is beeping. There are people running. There are 25 drips hanging that. I have no idea what they are. I’m sure I could figure it out, but it is not normal to me. This event was super hard because I was the only OB nurse to deal with it in ICU.

[00:03:15] I didn’t have my trusted OB circle to envelop me. I couldn’t walk out of the room and say, okay, I need to go to the bathroom. I need a brain break for two seconds. You’re tapped in. And I, I need to go outside for a minute. I didn’t have that around me. So that night I went home and I cried and I cried and I didn’t sleep for days.

[00:03:36] Every time I heard like a little girl’s voice, I could. See that patient’s daughter skipping around in the halls and she was wearing like the cutest Disney princess dress. So, you know, now you see that Disney princess and you’re like, oh, you know, and those, those moments they get you. I could also, when my eyes closed, see the DIC setting in, you know, you get those tall tale signs and you’re like, Nope, Nope, Nope.

[00:04:11] This is just, okay, okay. Now we’re gonna do this. And you see those tall tale signs, the signs that are textbook and you, you never really want to ever see those things. I closed my eyes and I can see those things. I would sit quietly in the bathroom and I could hear the alarms of ICU and I would start freaking out because I didn’t know what those alarms were.

[00:04:32] Our director at the time was a woman of little words. She was the person that you would go to with a problem. She’d write it down. She’d nod her head up and down Uhhuh Uhhuh. I hear you. And then she would say, I’ll see what I can do about the problem. She was a woman of very little words, but during this time she texted me every day.

[00:04:54] She checked on me every single day. This was literally the most. I had talked to her in nine years that I had worked there to heal. She helped me get involved with the EAP line, the employee assistance program. So she helped me get involved with that. And she helped me find a therapist. The therapist was okay.

[00:05:16] I mean, she wasn’t life changing, but she gave me the trauma bandaids. I needed to deal with this situation to help heal those fresh wounds, to cover ’em. Deal with them and be able to move on. So the therapy and the director’s input gave me the nice sticky band-aids I needed for my trauma. And I still use some of those tips she gave me today.

[00:05:42] So now we’re gonna fast forward to right craziness policies and rules are changing every day, literally every day. Not to mention, we have mandatory homeschool. We’re worrying about jobs around us and the statuses of people and their jobs. We’re worried about bringing home this new superbug to our family, and no one really knows what’s going on and what the repercussions are.

[00:06:08] These bandaids are getting a little afraid, just being around. They’re being pulled on all ends and these bandaids are holding on for dear life. When

[00:06:20] you have labor in the time of COVID. That was even more dicey. Do we separate mom and baby? Do we have visitors or no visitors? Do we get tests who gets tests? Which tests? Why do we not test the visitor? I mean, really? How long do we quarantine? Is there enough P P E these are all questions whose answers changed every single day.

[00:06:47] So now I have a big event. This particular patient had many red flags waving from the beginning. I ignored him and just kept on chatting and creating a bond with my patient. One of the main red flags, she was telling me stories of violence. I just minimized it and kept going with my patient. Once the patient was complete and the pressure was completely unbearable.

[00:07:14] She started getting aggressive first to her mom. And then to me, Anything either of us did, would escalate the verbal abuse.

[00:07:27] So if you’re an OB nurse and you are pushing with a patient, you know that the baby is difficult to monitor. When you’re pushing this baby was also difficult to monitor due to the size and the shape of the maternal abdomen. This monitor needed to be repositioned after every push. And this led to physical abuse, the patient would hit her mother at one point.

[00:07:53] She almost bit her mother as her mom was trying to help me readjust this monitor. The patient told me not to touch her. And as I went to get close, she slapped my arm. You can’t touch a patient if they tell you not to touch him. The patient even tried to kick me with her epidural legs, which doesn’t work super well in case you’re wondering at this point I was done.

[00:08:18] I used the chain of command. I got the charge nurse involved, the tech or CNA went in to help the patient. The doctor was in house and I requested the doctor at the bedside, the plan. Okay. We all came together. Grand plan charge. Nurse is gonna take over the patient care. I was gonna chart chart, chart, chart, chart, my little heart out.

[00:08:42] And I was going to be the baby nurse. Okay. That works. I’ve caught babies. I know what to do. Perfect. The patient was aggressive to the charge nurse and the doctor as well. It wasn’t just me. So now it’s time for the birth. The baby comes out, limp and pale. Oh shit. Why me? Why did this have to happen to me as the code was happening, the patient was screaming that bitch killed my baby.

[00:09:16] That’s a phrase I hear in my head to this day, I was the nurse for most of an awful second stage and a newborn code. What the fuck? How did I get stuck with both of them? Remember those band-aids of coping. They were gone. They were gone with a wind. At this point, we had a different director. I expected to be checked on every single day.

[00:09:44] Just like last time that didn’t happen. Side note. People don’t know what you want or need until you tell them. My other coworkers were checking on me, but that’s not what I had expected. I expected this trauma and the bandaids to go the same way. I took a couple days off. But during this time I had two debriefs, which is not really like taking days off the de these debriefs were not helpful.

[00:10:18] The bandaids were gone. All the wounds were super fresh. And the words being said were very hurtful to put this in perspective. I’m sure they were trying to be helpful. They were trying to tell me what I should or could have done differently, trying to make it that ideal scenario. But these were fresh. Flesh wounds, these flesh wounds were open.

[00:10:43] They were actively bleeding. and I was having a rough time. And none of that helped right now, they came up with an entire plan of all the things. None of those things helped right now, they had already happened. So after these couple days off, I returned to work miserable. I was a complete shell of a person.

[00:11:09] I cried at work most of the time. I had a very hard time taking patience. I definitely didn’t take a patient in that same room. A couple shifts back to work. Another nurse took a baby to the nursery. Uhoh you know, when the Panda gets unplugged, the Pan’s the warmer. So when the, the warmer gets unplugged without being turned off, it makes this super high pitched beeping noise.

[00:11:38] The beeping goes from the room, follows them all the way to the nursery. And this beeping just sent me over the edge. I had a full blown panic attack. My first full blown panic attack. My feet were in cement. I couldn’t move. My heart was beating so fast. I couldn’t catch my breath. And I sat on the floor crying.

[00:12:05] I had failed. Like I could not go with my coworkers to help this baby. I failed as a nurse. I had a coworker who literally picked me up off the ground and brought me to the break room. So she D dialed the, the EAP number for me and got me started with that whole situation. So she could go help the baby.

[00:12:30] She also called one of the doctors and had them write a note. So I could be out of work for a little while my facility, they knew that this event jacked me up. They saw me as the, she, the person I was, they knew that I couldn’t do this anymore. Corporate, on the other hand, corporate, they were not helpful.

[00:13:01] The person who sits at a desk and is not a medical professional was questioning me. Is this a traumatic event or a function of my job? Yep. She asked me that this is just a function of your job. Why are you having a hard time? Are you kidding me? Are you absolutely kidding me? I dealt with abuse. I dealt with very traumatic things happening and you’re telling me this is a function of my job.

[00:13:40] So I now call this whole period, my great depression. I was catatonic. Most of the time catatonic or I was crying. There was really no in between. I would have nightmares. Nightmares were so intense that I, at one point was even afraid to sleep. I could hear her screaming, these awful things in my head. I could hear her saying that bitch killed my baby over and over and over.

[00:14:16] I could see the limp pale baby being handed to me and I was bringing it to the warmer. It

[00:14:24] was something. You can’t even imagine I didn’t wanna leave my house. What if I saw her at the store, would she try to find me? We sign our names on all the consents. She knows my name. Would she try to find me, I feared going to work? Would my coworkers trust me to manage my patient?

[00:14:53] I mean, it’s a valid question. I definitely couldn’t have a patient in that same room. And what if that patient comes to OB, you know, what, if she came looking for something and I was there but then there’s still like the home life stuff, right. Because it’s COVID and there’s mandatory. Homeschool and jobs are in jeopardy and My kids are going crazy in my house.

[00:15:20] So what now, how did I get those bandaids? I did EMDR therapy. EMDR therapy is not, , covered by insurance or the EAP thing. You do it on your own. It’s literally crazy voodoo stuff that works with tapping. Have you guys ever done EMDR therapy? No, no, 

[00:15:42] no me either, but I know what tapping 

[00:15:43] is. 

[00:15:44] Yeah.

[00:15:45] I’ve heard, it’s kind of like voodoo magic, but it it’s effective and amazing, 

[00:15:48] Crazy, effective and amazing. So you kind of play the situation in your head and when your organs start going, mm-hmm , you know, you get that, that yucky feeling. You stop there. You keep going with your, your flashing of your eyes.

[00:16:07] They call it flashing the flashing of your eyes and the tapping. And you ask your organs how you feel. Okay. So my heart’s racing. Okay. I’m acknowledging my heart is racing. Okay. I feel like I have to go pee. That’s one of my like big things I feel, I feel like I have to go pee that feeling. Okay.

[00:16:29] So if your bladder had words, what would they say? The craziest things comes out of your mouth? It’s things you did not even know that you were thinking or feeling that comes out of your mouth. Oh, 

[00:16:47] weird. So you’re kind of connecting your body to your brain so that you can. Make meaning of it. 

[00:16:57] Yeah. And you are the part of your body that’s holding onto all of that.

[00:17:02] Drama gets a voice. Yeah. Yes, yes. And those voices say things that you have been holding onto deep, and you didn’t even realize you were holding onto it is an incredibly freeing experience. How has that changed your life? Oh, I mean, at this point, I anytime I get that feeling, I’ll notice myself just tapping.

[00:17:35] I, I can just tap and in my head I can go through that process. Okay. So my bladder is tight again. That’s my bladder telling me and I can Find that voice, I can find that worry or that, that deep tension I’m holding onto acknowledge it and be able to move on. And where’d you learn how to do this through a therapist?

[00:18:01] I, they were hourlong therapy sessions. I did ’em twice a week. And it was all online. Like I was basically FaceTiming someone a local therapist who deals with EMDR. They have, there are plenty of therapists throughout the entire nation who deal with trauma EMDR. You can look them up. And it was the best investment I’ve ever done in myself.

[00:18:25] Wow. How, how often do you feel that worry or that tightness or that fear or that anxiety pop up in your work and in your home life? 

[00:18:36] It depends on the situation. Like I said before, we do a little bit of everything. And so if I’m working in postpartum, I’m not triggered as much by the events of postpartum as if I am working in, if I’m doing triage and they say someone’s coming in by ambulance, no prenatal care found we gave them Narcan.

[00:18:59] Right, right. Then I would get more mm-hmm triggered and I would literally be down in the ER, I’d sit down and I’d start my tapping just so that I could get myself ready and prepared for this patient coming in. Wow. Yeah, journaling. I wrote the good, the bad and the ugly in my journal. These were things that I would never say out loud, but I could write them.

[00:19:31] I wrote it all down. I needed to get it all outta my head. I needed to get it all out of my system, but this brought all the negative work stuff into my home space. It brought it all in my house. It brought it to the forefront of every problem I had. Those pages needed to be somewhere else. Another thing I did to grasp for those bandaids was I took time off.

[00:19:59] Time off was good. I took three months off. This was healing for me. The wounds were scabbing up. The EMDR was teaching me to Resick those trauma bandaids. And with EMDR, I even role played what would happen if I walked into the unit and they wanted me to take over an aggressive patient or a baby in the nursery, what would I feel?

[00:20:22] How would I be able to restick those trauma bandaids? How would I be able to deal with the day? So through all of this, the lessons I learned, these lessons all were able to help me with the tools I needed to Resick those band-aids. So the lesson number one, there isn’t really no particular order. Go with me on this: lesson than number one.

[00:20:50] Don’t be afraid to switch assignments. Sometimes the patient needs a fresh face, and sometimes you need a fresh face. Number two, it’s okay to give a stern warning. I’ve done this several times since this incident, and it does work for most of the time. So you can tell them I will continue to be respectful to you.

[00:21:13] And I expect the same in return. And then if they do it again, you can give them that same warning, but then continue with, we have a code that we call for aggressive patients. It’s called a code gray and the code gray team will come and deal with you, usually that sobers them right up. And that can help.

[00:21:33] The third lesson I learned was ask for help use that chain of command. And that is what it is for. It’s not just for problems advocating for your patient, but sometimes it’s prob for problems with your patient. The fourth one that I’m really not proud of, but I did it anyways, was don’t take garbage from someone who sits at a desk personal.

[00:21:55] So the HR person does not get to dictate my feelings or doesn’t get to tell me what’s a traumatic event or a function of my job. I took that very personal and that created some waves. The fifth lesson is time away is good distance to grieve, time to process, time to heal those wounds time, to get those bandaids sticky.

[00:22:20] Again, take that time and take care of yourself. Number six, the EAP therapy, man. Get it. It’s six appointments. It’s free. I can tell you from experience, if the six appointments don’t work and you need some more, they’ll give you some more. My first therapist with the second incident that I talked about was so dismissive.

[00:22:43] She even asked me during the session, do you really work at a hospital? Yeah, that’s not. Okay. So after that I used her. To help me figure out what alternative therapy I needed. So the seventh lesson I learned is alternative therapy. There are several different types of alternative therapy. EMDR was the one I used.

[00:23:06] It was the best investment I’ve ever made in myself. And I literally still see that gal every week. The eighth one for me is journaling. You need to get the feelings out of your body for all of this. I created the overtime journal. It’s named to the overtime journal because it’s to be used when your brain is on overtime.

[00:23:33] Work stays in one place and home stays in another place, completely different journals. I keep mine in my work bag. In the overtime journal, I have daily pages. So these daily pages are, you can choose to use them or not. I use them every day. They include things that you’re grateful for. So look for the good in your day.

[00:23:57] Then you can write out your good and your bad and what to work on. So the gratitude could be Tara. The traveler bought me a try like that. Try is my love language. You know, like thank you for buying me a cha my good and my bad could be about my patient experience. Yeah. I was able to get the IV, but dang it.

[00:24:23] I had to put it in the AC like as a labor nurse, you definitely don’t want an AC. And then you write down how do you wind down so that you don’t bring these issues home? There are also prompt pages and the prompt pages are to be used when, when you feel like they need to be used, you can use more than one at a time.

[00:24:43] Do whatever your heart tells you to use. But if your brain is still spinning on overtime, you need to get it out. So the first one I have is a tough shift page and that’s for a plan for when the shit show happens. So you pre-fill out part of it so that when you start spiraling, you already have a plan going.

[00:25:07] So these are the three people I can talk to about this situation. These are three tools that I use. I it’s weird. One of the things I use is I flick a rubber band on my wrist. I use tapping, I use journaling, that type of thing. So once I can get myself into that, then I can start. Getting everything else going, oh, that’s awesome.

[00:25:32] I have a trauma page. And that page is for what, like what is the traumatic event? So for me, beeping is traumatic. So if I go into another unit for, I went down to pick up the bladder scanner and dear Lord, every single alarm was going off in Dou every single alarm. I mean, that I could imagine was going off in Dou and it brought back the worst case scenario was happening.

[00:26:02] So how did it affect me? How did people around me react to it? Did they even notice I was going into this spiral? And how was I able to pull myself out of this? How was I able to journal it all down, read it to myself and then lock it away in that page. The third page I have is about anxiety. You know, little things cause anxiety like holy cow, why there are so many cars in the parking lot.

[00:26:29] Like the hospital must be booming. There are too many cars in the parking lot or the charger’s phone. It rings nonstop. Who’s calling the charge nurse, you know, like, all I know is the next patient’s coming up and that patient’s for me, you know, so that I thinks 

[00:26:46] exactly mine, Amy, those are mine in a full moon.

[00:26:49] Oh yeah. Right. Yeah.

[00:26:50] So those are anxieties. And how do I deal with those anxieties? The fourth one is fears. Fears can get the best of you. And most of the time they are all what ifs and most of the time they are All kind of in your head. So a fear. What if my coworkers don’t trust me to take care of my patient, and then you debunk that fear by rewriting this statement.

[00:27:17] I know where my resources are and how to ask for help. If my coworkers check on me, they’re just checking to see how I’m doing. It doesn’t mean that they don’t trust me. And the last one I have, which the therapist start started me doing this all the time. So I needed to write about it was my view.

[00:27:41] So the view of your situation, how does it differ from the trenches to the mountaintop? So my view, my patient’s going to C-section, that’s the situation my patient’s going to C-section the trenches. Ugh, I’m hungry. Now I have to wait for lunch. My head hurts and I didn’t even wanna take this patient anyways.

[00:28:06] But my view from the mountain is girl. It’s my Friday. I’ve got cha in my hand and only eight hours left of my shift. So how do I shift this? Are these things are the things that bring me to the trenches things I control.

[00:28:26] So could I, instead of, you know, everything now is awful because I’m going to C-section. Could I take a second to myself, get a snack, have a sip of my, try reset my brain and then move on. Is that gonna change my view? So the last thing I have about the trauma bandaids is. Prepare yourself just be prepared.

[00:28:56] All units can go from rainbows and sunshine to DIC and seizures and seconds. All units can do it. What is, hold on. I’m there you go. I missed you. So what is the status of my trauma bandaid? What are the tools? The tools I can help to Resick this, if it opens up and how can I be prepared for all of this? I created the overtime journal.

[00:29:27] I’m just an OB nurse. All of my examples have to do with OB, but any specialty can use it. Any specialty has trauma and any specialty, any person, any nurse needs help with their trauma bandaids. 

[00:29:44] Wow, Amy. It’s it’s almost like we know the shit show is on the horizon at some point. Why is it always a surprise?

[00:29:57] this is anticipatory. I, I hate self-care that term, but it’s anticipatory self care. It’s anticipatory protection. 

[00:30:07] Yeah. Mm-hmm , it’s creating a plan so that mm-hmm you’re not devastated by the patient who says, which this did the patient, a different patient said this to me. Why do I believe you you’re wearing glorified pajamas?

[00:30:24] You’re like you’re right. Scrubs are glorified pajamas. That’s awesome. That’s why I love, but then on the other hand, you’re like, oh, that was hurtful. You know, mm-hmm like that.

[00:30:41] Well, what I see in the journal, I see, because you’ve shared your story so beautifully, and I thank you so much for taking us with you on that. I also see that what a privilege, maybe, maybe that’s not the right word that AMDR possibly, maybe is what it sounds like has given you to be able to share your story and how many of us have these stories inside that could never come out in, in that way, in that I’m gonna read you my story, and I’m not going to melt into a puddle on the floor because I’ve done my work on this story and I’ve done my work on my stuff.

[00:31:25] To me, just you telling that story and the way you tell it and how you can see all of these things around, it just shows how much work you’ve done. and then to put it into the journal, like all of this sounds great, you know, like I think about gratitude. Okay, cool. I think about my anxieties. Yeah, I got that, but that’s a lot of like I have then you have the personal responsibility or you have those like, oh my God, my page of anxiety is huge.

[00:31:55] And I have nothing to put on my trauma page or my view, like, nothing’s good here. There is no mountain view, Amy. Like, I can only use half of this journal or it’s upsetting because all you, all you are writing are your triggers. It almost sounds like it would force me. I’m doing this work and I’m not at the bedside.

[00:32:15] So I do have that privilege and that view as well, but it would force me, oh my gosh. And now I need answers. Like I need to do what Amy did now, what I need to go get help. Because what if like, I can’t, how many nurses have you, has anyone listening, talked to. or maybe you’ve said yourself or healthcare professionals have said, I think that one thing would be my last day here.

[00:32:42] Oh yeah. 

[00:32:42] Right. That if I, I could never do blank. I could never see blank either again or ever, or, you know, you imagine that you could never emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically endure that and come out on the other side, I’m gonna clock in again. I’m just, I’m gonna do it. And like, here we are, because money is one thing.

[00:33:08] But when you like, are in such a deep hole, like you said, you took three months off, like you cannot clock in safely for yourself. 

[00:33:18] Yeah. It’s even my son’s teacher called to check on me because she could hear me in the background crying on the zoom. Oh, Amy. I mean, it was insane. I went to the lowest of the low.

[00:33:35] Yeah. Like that those things happened to me. Mm-hmm and I was able to use it. And EMDR I’m telling you, it is, it is worth its weight and gold. Like, I would get a second job for that, just so 

[00:33:49] that I could do it. I almost know how much you make as a nurse. Like we all would make about, you know, this like yeah.

[00:33:55] Ugly, not enough. most of us, you know, amount, right. Where you keep saying it is worth it. And I’m hearing when a nurse says it is worth it, they paid and are proud to pay for something that really works. And I’ve, it sounds hard, but like how long did that take? So you’d met for two weeks, twice a week for like three years.

[00:34:18] Oh no. I met twice a week for about five weeks. that’s fast and it was fast. And you do your EMDR therapy, you which leaves you so incredibly tired and drained mm-hmm that you need to take a nap afterwards. So you do your therapy, you take a nap, you journal it out, all the feelings that you had afterwards.

[00:34:46] And then you take a shower and, and go on with your day. But yeah, it took me about five weeks to get to the point where I was ready to go back to work.

[00:35:00] I have some issues. So you said that you had these debriefs mm-hmm and you had a panic attack after the debriefs? Yes. Okay. and then you started EMDR therapy. And in addition to EMDR therapy, as a tool, as an additional tool to strengthen your bandaids and to heal and to be able to function, you also journaled and took time off.

[00:35:38] Have you ever been told not to journal about your time at work from 

[00:35:43] work? Oh, absolutely. Okay. So you don’t, I don’t put like the patient information in there. Right. I put the, how I feel about what’s going on. 

[00:35:58] So do you put like a little snippet, like today I was on labor or I was on postpartum and I feel this way because of this happened.

[00:36:09] No. It’s more charting in brief statements. like let me see. Here’s my journal right here. 

[00:36:16] We get to read Amy’s journal today. 

[00:36:19] I know, right? Oh, so one of the things I, that was good that I was proud of myself for. I gave eye contact and sat down with all of my patients today. That was something I was, that I was proud of.

[00:36:35] I was able to tell the ER, no, I will not pick up a patient. I am busy. So if I have my own, you know, I have my own set of three triage patients and the ER calls and says, Hey, we come pick up a patient. I was able to tell them no, I’m busy. we need to have somebody else bring the patient up. Mm-hmm so they will, you know, generally they call the house soup or they, it has to be a licensed personnel.

[00:37:03] They will bring the patient up on their own. 

[00:37:06] Yeah. Yeah. But what about when you were healing? What about when it was fresh and it wasn’t? Oh, probably not that long ago, right. Because it was, yeah, no, in COVID this happened. Correct. And you weren’t getting the support you expected and you, you, it sounds like maybe a lots of triggering, maybe a re-traumatization not quite sure of the level of like PTSD, but you mentioned a lot of symptoms.

[00:37:33] And then the panic attack, and then in your healing, you said I needed to get everything out. My thoughts and my feelings. 

[00:37:42] Yeah. So it was a lot of for me, feelings of inadequacy, like How do I lead the code and be part of the code mm-hmm . Okay. So that didn’t work for me. So how do I how do I switch that around?

[00:38:00] And what’s my plan for next time? So it did this whole situation did not work for me. Okay. So next time it would be better if I led the code and I was able to delegate mm-hmm gotcha. Or I would put in there you only drew one you only drew one blue top, really one blue top, you know, you need two blue tops, you know, one you’re drying for, for coagulation panel.

[00:38:30] You need two blue top. You know, as you’re going through the crazy situations, your brain just grabs a handful and you’re like, oh, I only got one. Okay. You know, and you’re just right. Drawing labs. So I would do stuff like that. That’s what I would 

[00:38:49] gotcha. And I’m journal. And I’m thinking that it’s pretty common for healthcare professionals, especially nurses in nursing school.

[00:38:57] I don’t know if that happens in nursing school or an orientation, but at some point, many of us have heard, oh, you never, you never write about your experiences at work. You, and then it’s really hard to know, like what’s safe to write down and they’ll probably know because I don’t know how, but they’ll probably know , mm-hmm, always feels like the big brother is watching and they give you all of these rules to like protect you and your license.

[00:39:22] And so as a young nurse, I just like took it and was like, okay, well I guess I won’t journal. . Yeah. And I love these safe boundaries of it’s from my perspective, it’s in, it’s a way for me to be able to read back with a different perspective, or maybe even on a different day with different eyes, 

[00:39:39] right.

[00:39:39] Don’t be so hard. And part of, part of the journal also is the trauma page is reading it out loud to the person in the mirror. Mm-hmm so read the trauma out loud to the, the person in the mirror. How does it feel? Like, what would you tell that person? So for example, Dou and beeping, like, you know, dear in the headlights.

[00:40:03] Okay. So I was dead in my traps. There is beeping. It’s not my unit. if they need help, they will ask me for help. If I go to help them, I will tell them, I need clear cut instructions. You do this boss me around, you know, type thing. And that’ll, that will help prepare you for the next time when this happens.

[00:40:31] Hmm. That’s great. I also had another question during your processing and healing time, you took three months off work. Mm-hmm was that how, how one is how and is that even possible? And does everyone, can everyone do that? How did you manage that? And then did you have repercussions? Like, did people talk about you or text you and say can you even do your job or we need a lot of help.

[00:40:59] How could you leave us? 

[00:41:00] So I took off time. I tried to make it a paid leave as like a stress leave, but that did not work for me. So I took it as an unpaid leave. And I didn’t have access to like the computer or email or anything like that, but they sure as heck left me on the Everbridge.

[00:41:19] So I was still getting the text messages of need help today. OB short today, all the time, I was still getting those text messages. The girls in my unit, they knew they knew I was having a rough time. They would, I would say maybe at least once a week, one girl would just show up at my house and just come on over and hang out.

[00:41:44] And how you doing? What’s going on today. My birthday was during that time and they brought me a big birthday basket. They were very supportive of me trying to become a real person again, trying to become a person that can function in life and in the OB world. 

[00:42:09] That’s really cool. That’s really cool that your team supported you instead of, oh, that’s Amy who had a mental breakdown.

[00:42:19] were you clear with them? What you were, were you transparent about what you were doing? Oh, 

[00:42:23] very transparent. That’s great. That’s cool. I was very transparent. I, I called it you know, well, I went crazy at the time I went crazy. Da da, da, da. You did, or, oh yeah, 

[00:42:35] the time I I only say mental breakdown because that is something that I’ve heard.

[00:42:40] Some people say, oh, she had a mental breakdown. She left, you know, that like, it could be in a bad way. Like went crazy in a bad way, but it’s a term that most people know kind of what that means like you had, that was a PO a point, 

[00:42:55] right? No. I even was taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills still taking ’em by the way.

[00:43:01] And I call them my crazy pills. Yep. I got my crazy pills for the time I went crazy and this is how I deal with it. And half of me is seeing it lightly and And halfheartedly a little bit. But the other half of me is saying it out loud so that other people realize, yeah, I’m still dealing with this.

[00:43:25] Yep. Or, you know, I’ll tell ’em, you know, I, my husband needs to come and bring me the crazy pills today. I really need an extra one, you know, type thing. And they will just take a step back and say, oh, Amy still is having issues today. She’s feeling triggered. And you know, we’re gonna give her a little grace 

[00:43:49] today.

[00:43:51] And this is what it looks like while doing your job and having children. And we’re still in COVID and you’re married and you have a dog and you have friendships or relationships at work. Mm-hmm it looks like this. It’s not always under the covers. It’s not always sitting on the floor crying and it’s sometimes asking for what you need, like you said, I think my favorite part of your story is that you’re sharing it and not normalizing it, but maybe making the, the frequency known destigmatizing it destigmatizing.

[00:44:32] Yeah. 

[00:44:33] I’m destigmatizing it. And I’m trying to make it acceptable for other people to, to have these days, have the days where you need an extra crazy pill today, I’m gonna need a little grace. You know, I was walking into the hospital and a patient was being taken out for MRI. And that just got me, you know, you’re bringing so much awareness to this, you know, Gosh, you just witnessed so much.

[00:45:07] When you think back on your time, is there anything that could have been done differently that would have maybe made this better or easier? It sounded like obviously was obvious kind of absence, but you had a pretty good community around you. You had the friends that would come over, you had the supervisors that would check in you know, opposed to one or two, but is there anything that could have been done differently by the hospital, by the staff, by anybody you’re schooling, the education, the training, the support?

[00:45:47] I think one thing that hit me hard and hit me in a way that I didn’t realize would hit me was when corporate HR tried to deny my time off. So I wanted to take time off for myself and they were telling me it was a function of my job that hit me hard because black and white sure. Taking care of patients is a function of my job, delivering, assisting to deliver patients part of my job helping with codes part of my job, but it’s the, the personal aspect of it.

[00:46:34] It’s the seeing patients transition from a, you know, a civil conversation to verbal abuse. To you could hear her outside at the desk, calling me names to physical abuse and the awful things she was doing to her mother to then, you know, dealing with everything with the baby and all of this other stuff is not a function of your job that is above and beyond.

[00:47:11] That is trauma. And I was dealing with that trauma and now you’re doing the work and this is what it looks like. Right. I think for anyone listening, who thinks you might get better overnight, or you might get better at the end of those 10 sessions in five weeks, that’s not what it looks like, right? No. Or we’re doing the work and it’s a long haul type thing.

[00:47:34] Like our goal is down the road, it’s there, but it is it’s down there. Oh, it’s definitely down the road. If you were to stop in that, in those 10 sessions, five weeks, it would all come back. You need to keep doing the work. You need to focus and keep going down the road. It’s one step in front of the next.

[00:48:00] You need to keep going back to work. Keep having those conversations with your coworkers saying, oh, that’s the same first name as that lady. Can we switch assignments? I just, I, I just don’t wanna feel like that today. It’s having those open conversations of giving giving each other grace and the one step in front of each other.

[00:48:26] Yeah, it sounds like you’re up against, I mean, everyone in healthcare is up against that HR headquarters behind the desk. OMG the realization. Do they really think that this is okay? Is this way like I’m reaching out for help? I am saying one, I don’t need to label these things. Don’t need to be traumatic enough for you to identify and say, yes, we will give you, we will acknowledge and allow you to take time off because we feel like it’s traumatizing enough.

[00:49:03] No, I don’t have to do that. And I’m asking for help. I need time off. I wanna stay in my job and this is what I need for it. And they’re not supporting that. So that’s unhealthy, it’s an unhealthy management style to support healthy behavior, which was you naming what was going on and asking for help specifically.

[00:49:24] I need this amount of time off so that I can get the help that I need because I can’t do it at work. And fourth, third, you’re not providing it. So right. We know that trauma happens. There’s been studies upon studies upon studies upon article and article and article saying how much trauma we experience as healthcare workers.

[00:49:47] And it’s just completely ignored. And then you’re told you had a debrief where we told you, you know, how it could have been done better. So do it better next time. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So unhealthy. Well, you are normalizing mental health or the health of your right nervous system and my, and journaling the day to day.

[00:50:11] I love that. Mm-hmm and oh my gosh, we can buy the overtime journal. 

[00:50:17] Oh, yeah, we can be like you 

[00:50:19] and like Cuba journal in our little car or like 

[00:50:22] our work bag and like, oh yeah, 

[00:50:24] this is how we can do the work every day. 

[00:50:27] Oh yeah. So I am a nurse, right? So I am not a website maker, site maker or any of that stuff.

[00:50:37] So everything is super basic on my website. Just go with it. So my website is red starters.com and you can go and buy the overtime journal. 

[00:50:50] That is so cool. And I, I ask you that, like, I don’t know, but I do know because I have friends that freaking love it and it’s kind of new, right? 

[00:51:01] Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[00:51:02] Awesome. It’s something I’ve been working on. Since the first incident I had with the maternal death, it’s something, I was trying to make myself a journal so that I had these these places to go. And so it’s something I’ve been working on for probably the last five years. And after this event, I wanted to put it in print.

[00:51:27] I wanted other people to be able to use these tools and I wanted other people to be able to move on. 

[00:51:37] Yeah, move through it continually. Yeah. Oh, that’s exciting. Everyone’s getting an overtime journal for Christmas. I really, or for holidays, I really think that every healthcare worker out there is gonna open an overtime journal this winter so needed.

[00:51:52] Thank you so much, Amy, for the work that you’re doing and the stories that you’re sharing are powerful, their parts are relatable, and it is truly helpful to hear how others in this often toxic and dangerous place are coping and thriving and, and living. And what’s going on behind the scenes, because I would never, would’ve known this about you and your crew.

[00:52:23] If, if you’re not talking very openly about this and EMDR and the I air quote alternative therapy, because like, What’s mainstream therapy for trauma. I mean, have we even gotten that yet? 

[00:52:39] No, no, there is no mainstream everything. 

[00:52:44] Yes. Yes. This is important work. Thank you for sharing your story with us. If you were to leave your fellow colleagues that are listening here in medicine with a few words of advice, what would you wanna tell them?

[00:53:01] I would say dig deep, find something, anything that you can cling onto to help you with those trauma bandaids, something that

[00:53:18] something tangible, something that you can use when you start feeling that feeling. So you walk into a room, something happens, you feel that feeling. Do you have a hair tie on your wrist? You can flick. I used to pinch under my butt. I know it’s so weird, but if you pinch yourself, I find I won’t cry if I pinch myself.

[00:53:43] Yeah. So I used to put my hands behind my back and pinch myself. So it’s something like that. Have a plan, just have a plan for these trauma bandaids. 

[00:53:55] Gosh, a plan is so powerful and you left with, with also these eight lessons. Yes. That I gonna rewind and go back and listen to. And I made notes like, go on, switch your assignment, ask for what you need.

[00:54:07] Lots of good examples of that. Give stern warnings, ask for what you need. Set boundaries. That’s what all the cool, cool folks are doing out here too, right? It’s so it’s so like alone feeling. I feel alone when you’re in a room by yourself and you’re like, oh, I have to navigate this by myself. Even though I make up one of the biggest working populations in the country.

[00:54:30] We don’t know what each other is doing. I would never have known you pinched your, but I’ve seen some folks kind of like hold their elbows and give themselves a little hug to kind of ground or yeah, come back in and we don’t get to know that about each other because we’re overworked and understaffed and surviving.

[00:54:51] Right, right. Ah, this is so good. Thank you, Amy. 

[00:54:57] Yeah. 

[00:54:57] Thanks for having me. Anything else you wanna add? This is awesome. We’re going to Redstar nurse.com. Yeah. Find your overtime journal. 

[00:55:06] No, just thank you for having me so much. 

[00:55:09] You put all of this into such a attainable presentation and box for us that it almost makes me wanna journal.

[00:55:15] I mean, I’m not, I’m not a journal kind of person, but if you’re gonna set it out like that and I just have to kind of fill in the blanks. It definitely makes me wanna do that and see things in a different perspective and then work toward the next steps like therapy and EMDR and tapping and all of these cool things, TMI or not TMI personally, I’m seeing a therapist online as you are through zoom.

[00:55:45] I didn’t think I would like it. And then you just get to a point where you’re like, Nope, it’s not about, you know, best case scenario. It’s about getting help and we’re working on tapping. We haven’t done EMDR, so it’s just scary until you do it. And then you’re like, oh, that wasn’t that bad. 

[00:56:03] My therapist. Oh yeah, well through better help.

[00:56:05] So literally all the cool kids are doing it. oh yeah. 

[00:56:10] Awesome. Well, I can’t wait to hear from the listeners who are already doing it, let us know in the comments. And if you have your own story, we talk a lot on this podcast about all the bad stuff, right. We talk about, which is the truth and what we want everyone to hear.

[00:56:24] We wanna hear, we want everyone to hear. It’s not just in your location. It’s not just in the heart, in the big cities. It’s not just that one person. This is happening everywhere. It’s a systemic problem. And it’s happening almost on purpose. It’s kind of a create system created for harm and the behind the doors, like within the halls of healthcare, what’s really going on.

[00:56:44] It’s a safe place to share that what’s really, really important to continue to talk about is how are we thriving in it? How are we still at the bedside? How are we safe? We’re not able to keep anyone safe if we are at home catatonic. If we are at home, Crying in our kids’ zoom school calls and we cannot come out of that place.

[00:57:07] So we can learn from Amy. We hope that you’re not in the deepest, darkest place can learn from her deepest, darkest place and be so grateful that she shared that with us and get help before it gets to be that last situation that you don’t think that you can handle anymore. So fill out our podcast submission and we’d love to hear from you on the post check podcast until then we’ll see you next time.

[00:57:30] Bye. Bye. 

[00:57:34] If you or anyone, you know, has a story to share, please contact us on Instagram at pulse check dot podcast.

[00:57:42] We’d love to share your 

[00:57:43] story.